FEAR IS NOT MY FUTURE, YOU ARE
We are leaving in about an hour to go to a memorial service at the
cemetery in Indy to bury the ashes of our first baby we lost this summer and honor
the other baby as well. We picked up some beautiful flowers to take called “Fall
Sweetness” which I thought was fitting. You, babies, are the lucky ones to
already be in the presence of Jesus and celebrating with your big brother
Brighton.
The ceremony was really beautiful.
There were maybe six other families there and it was beautiful in a terrible
way to see people who cherished these babies who we never met but that we will
meet someday. Marlie was there and it was so good to see her. She is now in
charge of Memories to Hold and doing such a fantastic job of taking care of
families. The chaplain we had with Brighton was there too which was a nice connection.
They read Psalm 139 as part of the service and then we all went out to the
Babies Circle where they would bury the urn. Lassen and I put down a white
carnation and Kyle put down the flowers and card that I wrote to both of our
babies.
November 7, 2023
I am sitting here writing on the most beautiful day of fall days,
and I am so thankful, yet my heart is really heavy. This time of year can be
really hard. November 3rd was two years since my heart broke with
the news that Brighton most likely wouldn’t be coming home with us. Lassen and
I spent that day hiking with our homeschool group. I met a girl
who had also lost. She
understood the difficulty of anniversaries.
I found out a dear friend who
had lost her daughter two years ago was pregnant again, and then miscarried. I
have been sick all day thinking about her and just understanding intimately how
she feels. God, we might never understand, but You do! We are grateful our
babies never felt the pain of this world but you know our hearts are broken.
Please comfort us.
It would be very easy to let
thoughts of fear for my own baby into my heart. I have to remember I am not in
control. All day I have been singing the lyrics to “Fear is not my Future:”
November 10, 2023
I have been really tired this pregnancy which I take as a good sign that
my body is working hard. I haven’t been nauseous per say, but in the afternoon
definitely feel a little off. My first appointment is next Thursday and I keep
repeating “Fear is not my future” over and over. What has happened in the past
doesn’t mean it will happen again. God already knows and I will trust Him with
each day.
I had two texts from girls I
don’t text with that often, a friend in town and one of Brighton’s nurses, both
telling me that I was on their hearts and that they were praying for me. It was
kind of shocking really to get those out of the blue and honestly my first thought
was fear-driven…what is going to happen (that’s bad) that I don’t know yet? But
then I reframed that thought that they were unknowingly praying for my baby.
.heic)
November 12, 2023
Kyle and I were talking about our newest baby last night and the
advice he gave me sounded like something I would say, so maybe I’m rubbing off
on him! Anyways, Kyle said I needed to go into this pregnancy like I did with Lassen
and Brighton. Relaxed and expectant. I said I felt like I had lost my naivety of
pregnancy going smoothly and that I knew things could go wrong. But Kyle said I
should focus on being expectant and put the fears out of my mind. It is less stressful to not worry because very little is in my control and I am doing
what I need to be doing. He said I need to keep living fully with Lassen, doing
all of the things I feel like doing, and then tell this baby all of the things
we did together with Lassen😊
My first appointment is Thursday.
I am going to keep reminding myself that God has got this baby and I need to relax,
which is the best thing for our baby. We decided to switch hospitals to one
closer to our home now and just have a fresh start which should help.
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