EVEN WHEN IT MAKES NO SENSE TO SING
I woke up a bundle of nerves, just ready to get my appointment over with and have some easing of my fears. I kept praising God in my mind and trying to fill up all the space with that. When we went to check in, Susan and Taylor were right there and so excited for us. It seemed like everyone at the office knew our story and were invested with us in it. We had Stacy do our ultrasound and we have always really liked her. I told her based on my period I was 9w1d but my cycles had been so irregular it could have been less.
Right away, I knew something was
wrong. Normally, even though the baby was little, you could see the fluttering
of a heartbeat. This time there wasn’t. Stacy said maybe I was much earlier
than we thought so she tried another way. The baby was still very small with no
movement. She told us she was so sorry but it looked like the baby had stopped
growing around 7 weeks. I just said ok, probably in shock. I didn’t even cry.
I got dressed and went to Susan’s
room and she came in, heartbroken as well. She explained I had done nothing wrong,
that this was really common but that didn’t make it any easier. She told me our
options and we decided to do a D and C on Thursday morning since my body still
hadn’t shown any signs of miscarrying.
In the car I basically cried
silent tears all the way home. It is just devastating. In a way, it feels worse
than Brighton’s situation; the shock of finding out both times was equally traumatic
and horrific. But with Brighton, I knew I had time with him to continue to love
on him and make memories. This baby is just gone, already with Jesus, and I had
no idea! I know this happens because we live in a broken world; that this was
not God’s original intent, and that He will use this as part of our story to
glorify Him.
I guess a very selfish part of me thought we “deserved”
a healthy baby because of what we went through and that just isn’t life. We don’t
deserve anything.
Praying that everything goes smoothly
Thursday and that God is glorified in this.
The other day, I had a very vivid
dream that I had a baby boy; I had him early but he was blonde and healthy. I
am thankful my babies can be together if they can’t be with me.
I find so much joy in Brighton's garden of flowers...
June 7, 2023
Yesterday, Lassen and I went to Shades S.P to hike with my friend Jamie, who I've known since she moved to our town in 5th grade. She too has suffered the loss of her sweet girl several years ago so we share that sorrow and understand one another deeply. Lassen had so much fun exploring the canyons and went swimming in the
creek. We all got in and played until I saw a snake swimming and decided that
was enough!
I heard a song on the way home
that I hadn’t heard before by Hillsong and Taya called “Even When it Hurts.” It was not a coincidence.
June 8, 2023
I had texts from 16 people, telling me they were praying for me that
God would feel close. And I did feel the peace He provided. I was calm and
nothing was scary and it was all very quick. I actually feel a lot better physically
now, like maybe I didn’t realize how off I was. It gives me peace knowing Brighton
is in Heaven to welcome his sibling. Bittersweet.
“Here we are, on all kinds of days, trusting that He is where the joy is.” Tara Leigh Cobble
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