BRIGHTON'S FRIENDS: CONNER DOUGLAS DEWITT- MAY 20, 2021-MAY 23, 2021--PART 1

 

My friend Kari, who made Brighton his beautiful blanket and has been such a sweet blessing to me, had her son Conner on May 20th, 2021. Last week, as I was working on my blog, I realized I was going to write a post on Conner's birthday and thought "I should ask Kari if she will share Conner's story!" Kari quickly sent me his story and was kind enough to share her son with us. Kyle suggested I ask other mom's of Brighton's friends if they would share their stories as well, so I am hopeful this can be a place where we can share our babies stories and be here to support one another. So proud of Kari and her amazing faith and strength! Happy Birthday Conner!

October 2020

I recently found out I was pregnant with our fifth baby and was so excited as I have been hoping and praying for another baby.  I told Travis about our baby using song lyrics from “Gifts From God” by Chris Tomlin… “The best things in life are straight from his hand like raising kids on a piece of land..that's gifts from God.”  I felt this was fitting since I truly believe children are a gift and we are raising ours on about 14 acres of land.  Our kids are always outside in the woods, fishing in the pond, riding dirt bikes, and just playing together.  Travis was excited and happy to be bringing another child to our crew.  This was also exciting for our family because my younger sister and I were pregnant again at the same time with her 3^rd and my 5^th babies. We were looking forward to our kids growing up together and becoming friends. 

Due to Covid-19, I had to go to all of my OB appointments alone.  This was really hard to do because I had two miscarriages before my first and second children were born, so that fear was always present with each pregnancy.  I was anxious for these appointments too and I had the feeling something felt off, but I attributed that to my past and Satan trying to make me fearful.  All of my prenatal appointments were going well, strong steady heartbeat at the first couple appointments so we decided we would tell our kids and families on Thanksgiving. Our kids were very excited and immediately started telling us which gender they each hoped for.  Our parents and siblings were happy for us but also were very surprised. 

I had another appointment in December and then in January, we would have an anatomy scan.  We decided at this appointment, we did not want to know our baby’s gender but we looked forward to seeing the baby move and see how our baby was growing.  January 18, 2021. I went to the ultrasound and OB appointment at 19 weeks 4 days.  That day would change everything.  After the scan, I went to talk with my OB, Dr. Lupton, and get measurements of my growing belly.  He told me that the ultrasound showed some concerning things about our baby- a cleft lip and palate and pyelectasis (increased urine held in the kidneys) and that I would need to see Maternal Fetal Medicine. 

After my appointment, I called Travis to tell him what I had learned and we decided we would not worry too much about it until after the MFM appointment.  Thankfully, MFM called and I had an appointment the next day. Despite Covid, Travis was allowed to join me.  While in Dr. Harry’s office, he did an hour long ultrasound much more in depth than others I had.  After his findings, he told us that it looked like our baby had Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13, neither allowing survival of the baby. He told us that 75% of babies don’t survive the pregnancy, but if they do they only live a few minutes to a few days.  We were completely shattered at this news and I quickly blamed myself, “I took the wrong prenatal vitamins.  I have been running too much.  I shouldn’t have wanted a big family so badly.  I’ve done something wrong and God is punishing us.”  

Dr. Harry reassured us that we hadn’t done or not done anything to cause this to happen, it was a random thing that happened at conception.  We were also told that we could continue our pregnancy or as most people choose to do, we could terminate.  We were never encouraged to terminate the pregnancy, we were just told what most people choose to do.  Right away Travis said, “well abortion is never an option for us so we will keep loving and caring for our baby.  Is my wife’s life in any danger?” Dr. Harry was proud of us for choosing life and he reassured us that my life was not in danger to continue our pregnancy.  After the appointment, I had bloodwork done and we went home.  We were quiet most of the way home other than our crying. 

I called my parents who live almost three hours away. "Hi mom and dad…” I couldn’t hold back my tears and all my mom could say was, “oh honey, it’s not good news is it…?” and they cried with us as I told them what we knew.  When we got home, we told Travis’ parents and we told our kids who were 8,6,4, and 2 at the time.  We cried together, then after they went home we tried our best to get the kids to sleep with as normal a routine as we could.  I couldn’t stop crying, my heart hurt so bad.  Once the kids were asleep, we both took time to call our siblings.  These phone calls were the hardest I ever had to make, but I am so grateful for the support of our siblings and the prayers everyone was praying on behalf of our baby.  That day was the beginning of many sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, nightmares about losing our baby, dreams about God healing him, and Travis and I holding each other crying until we fell asleep.  

Whenever I would wake up, I had a few songs running through my mind. “It’s Gonna Be Okay” by Leanna Crawford and “You Are The Reason” by Calum Scott.  God placed these songs in my mind to remind me that He is with us as we tread these waters.  The next few months were full of anxiety, not knowing if our baby would survive each day.  There were days where I didn’t feel our baby move much, so I would pray that God would make baby move and always within a few minutes I felt movement.  The song "You Are The Reason" became a song I would play every day for our baby and cradle my belly as I would try to bring comfort to our baby. One night, the baby seemed to be restless or having some discomfort/pain, so I cradled my belly while in bed and soon after, our baby seemed to calm down.  Travis said, “See? Our baby already knows your love and the comfort only his mom can give”.  Another evening as we sat on the couch, our baby pressed a hand or foot against my belly as far as possible.  I placed my hand on it and we both held that for several minutes, it was like I was able to hold my baby’s hand.  Would I ever get to hold my baby's precious hand again? 

In raw honesty, these months were so hard to trust God with what was happening.  I knew he loved us and I knew He was there but he felt so distant at times, like He was standing across the room from me with His hands literally tied as I cried out to Him with a shattered heart asking him to heal our baby.  Looking back, I believe it took every bit of holy restraint not to heal Conner.  In times of doubt, fear, uncontrollable crying, and deep pain God gave us the strength we needed to hold each other up. Travis demonstrated incredible strength and stayed steady by resetting my mind on Christ and keeping every day life as normal for our kids as he could. 

During one MFM appointment, our Dr said if we knew our baby’s gender, it would help him to explain some of the details he was seeing.  We learned that we were going to have another precious baby boy.  We were excited about another son but also so broken, not sure how long we would get to keep him with us.  Later on we decided to name him Conner Douglas (my dads name is Douglas).  We also had to start working on a care plan for him if he were born alive.  We decided we didn’t want any interventions such as machines to keep him alive or comfortable, we just wanted to hold him and let him feel our love for any amount of time He had here with us.  Travis, an amazing carpenter, put his whole heart and soul into making our baby a casket just in case Conner went to Heaven.  I still believed God would heal him and out of deep grief, I couldn’t bring myself to see the beautiful casket he made.  I can’t fathom the strength and love it took for my husband to make this for his son but I am so grateful that he did. 

One day, my mom and my sister went to a festival where several vendors were there.  I had chosen elephants for our baby simply because God placed it on my heart, so I had been collecting elephant items for our baby. One lady had a booth set up to display her beautiful crocheted animals.  I went and asked her for a card and if she could make elephants. She said yes but to email her too.  Later I went home and emailed her about making two elephants for our baby and explained what was happening.  I wanted two elephants exactly the same so our baby could have one and I could keep one too.  I had also decided to teach myself to crochet in order to make our baby a few baby blankets.  I wanted our baby to feel comfortable and feel my love with the blankets I made him.  I crocheted two blankets for him, one for the casket and one for him while he was here and then I would keep it if he wasn’t healed here.  I would get so frustrated at the imperfections as I taught myself to crochet, but I wanted perfection for my son.  Looking back and seeing the imperfections, I see they were made in perfect love and care. 

One day around 25-30 weeks, Dr. Harry’s office called me to let me know that they weren’t sure our baby had trisomy 13 after all because he was measuring so well and all of his organs looked good.  The only way to tell is with an amniocentesis, but we also were referred to see a neonatal cardiologist to see if our son's heart could be fixed with surgery.  They would only even attempt an operation if there was no Trisomy.  We decided to do an amnio and continued to pray that this would all turn out and that it wasn’t Trisomy.  The song “Raise A Hallelujah” was in my mind and I began playing this song over and over as I waged war on Satan.  He has not won; we will always conquer him because of what Jesus did.  I was praising and worshipping God and hoping for good news.  About 24 hours after the amniocentesis, I received a call confirming our son had Trisomy 13.  My feelings of hope were crushed again and when Travis got home, I had to tell him and his were crushed as well. 

On May 19, 2021 at 37 weeks, I went into labor and we made our way to the hospital.  Dr. Lupton had the day off but he was going to come in just for us to deliver Conner.  So at 10:45 pm, he broke my water and then at 1:45am I was 4cm, by 3 am I was at 10cm.  Before my labor had really progressed, I was able to talk with my nurse, Maggie, about our son and how we just want to glorify God through it all.  We cried together and she prayed with us right before he was born.  At 3:18 am, Conner was born crying.  We got to hear his voice.  This was something that my dear friend, Julie, had specifically prayed for- make it to 37 weeks and that we would hear his voice. 

Travis and I both cried tears of joy and from then on, I forgot about Trisomy because he was here! Conner was so beautiful, he kept his fists close to his mouth and his sweet pinkie fingers always stayed up, he had a ton of dark hair that slicked back in the front and spiked up in the back with 2 cowlicks! He had dark baby blue eyes and precious feet. His cry was beautiful and sounded like he was saying “uh huh, uh huh”.   He wanted to nurse and would try but due to his cleft lip and palate, he couldn’t so we were able to pump and feed him with an oral syringe. He did great!  The longer he was with us, the more I believed he would be ok.  

That day we had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep take pictures for us and our kids were able to come meet Conner and do the pictures with us. Allison took hand and foot molds, and we had several visitors from the OB and MFM offices, and also nurses and doctors trying to help us get discharged so we could take Conner home.  

During our time with lactation nurses, I was holding Conner on my chest and noticed his head dropped a little bit so I turned him around and he was gray and had gone unresponsive.  The nurses were calm and did some different touches to stimulate him.  Travis and I were terrified and we decided to stay another night.  We learned this was what we would be experiencing now and it would happen over and over until he took his last breath.  Conner had a few more episodes like this at the hospital but after talking with doctors about what to expect, we left the next day.  Before we left and right after another episode of going non responsive, we decided to baptize Conner with a little water sprinkling.  It was so sweet watching Travis baptize his son into Christ. 

Afterwards Travis took our things to the car and I recorded a video of Conner, introducing him and telling all about him.  On the way home, I held Conner.  It seemed like we couldn’t get home soon enough and on the drive, he went unresponsive again and turned gray. I was trying to get him to breathe and it seemed like it took a little longer this time but he finally cried.  When we got home, our families were there and my mom and sister were going to stay the night.  Hospice was also at our home so we had a meeting right away.  During the meeting, my younger sister and mom went to Riley to get the morphine prescription we needed to have on hand for Conner.  

While they were gone, Conner went unresponsive again and turned gray, not breathing.  We tried everything we could but it seemed like he wasn’t going to respond this time.  We were sobbing and trying to get him to breathe. Our kids were going to be home from school soon, they can’t come home and Conner be gone. That would not be fair to them! “God where are you right now?!” I yelled.  Then my older sister held me and said “Kari, He is right here with us right now.”  Soon after, Conner was breathing and his color returned.  About 15 minutes later, our kids got off the bus.  Travis and I tried to pull ourselves together while we were still so scared.  

That night Conner had several episodes; we were completely exhausted because we had not slept but a couple of hours in four days. It was so hard to stay awake with him and keep a close watch on him but God gave us strength.  The next day, Saturday, May 22, was a perfect day.  Our family was over and we were able to take Conner outside for a little bit. I took the opportunity to make a salt dough ornament of his hands and feet.  

Today was so good and Conner didn’t have any times of going unresponsive the whole day.  It was so good to me that I asked Travis to call the pediatrician's office and ask them if there had been a mistake with the diagnosis.  Travis called and they confirmed no mistake but made a well check appointment for Monday anyway. 

After a great day, our families left and we got the kids to bed.  I couldn’t seem to understand why everyone was always at our house. I was grateful because we never had to leave Conner except to shower, but I still believed he would be healed and unable to accept the reality. Travis’s sister spent the night with us to help in any way needed.  After the kids went to bed and we had showered, Conner started going unresponsive again.  We were able to get him back but it seemed like it was taking longer for him to respond each time. We ended up giving him morphine two times that night because he kept having episodes and was crying. We pulled another very difficult and scary night without sleep.