I WILL WORSHIP WITH MY PAIN

 April 26, 2022
Wow- what a crazy last few days and not in a "this is awesome" sort of way! Saturday night, after we got home from the farm, Lassen started puking like crazy. He seemed better the next morning. We played outside a lot on Sunday and then he got sick again after dinner. I slept with him Sunday night but slept terrible because my mind just wouldn’t stop with everything going on this week. 

By Monday, Lassen was fine but then I got it really bad and still don’t feel good and Kyle is sick too (thankfully it seems to be a minor version of mine). Turns out, several kids from Lassen’s MOPS class got sick and their parents too. I haven’t been this sick in my whole life. I have been violently ill, scarily sick with how many fluids I am losing. I literally couldn't keep anything down at all. 

I was supposed to have an appointment today, but I cancelled it and am going to go on Thursday. I don’t know how this will affect potentially having Brighton on Friday. Mentally, I have been preparing (even though I know I’ll never be truly prepared) for the 29^th and pushing that date back makes me nervous because we were planning this to give us the best chance of meeting our boy. Praying that we all feel better really, really quickly and that God prepares the way going forward.

Surviving, not really thriving ;)

Flowers from a friend

Jenny stopped by and dropped off gifts from her friend, Kari, who lost her son Conner on May 20, 2021 shortly after he was born. She had written our family a beautiful card and crocheted a gorgeous blanket for Brighton, two devotionals for me and a bracelet that says, “Faith, not fear.” We ended up texting each other all day long. She is amazing and strong and I hope someday we can meet.

Another God wink. Jenny had a picture of Conner on her fridge for several months and I had asked about him but didn't know the full story. Apparently Jenny had told Kari about Brighton and she knew just what to do. Having someone to talk to who also experienced a life-limiting diagnosis is such an answer to prayer. I didn't know how much I needed her. 

I have learned so much from Kari about how to talk to

 someone experiencing loss.

April 27, 2022

I woke up this morning feeling hungry so that was a good sign. Still not 100% but I was able to eat throughout the day – thank You God!

The doctors office called at 8a and said they could get me in this morning if we went before 9:30a. We hustled into town and saw Dr. Foxlow. I had lost 6 lbs which probably isn’t good for my fluid levels. My blood pressure was still my normal high. She checked me and I am now 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. We decided to go ahead with inducing Friday which Kyle and I were “happy” with. We all agreed it gives us the best chance with Brighton, plus technically I have gestational hypertension again and she would have recommended induction regardless of the situation. 

I will go in at 8:30a on Friday the 29th and she guessed it would take around 12 hours or so. Hopefully sooner! I believe God is already in the room, coordinating everything, and that gives me so much peace and comfort. I talked to my friend who used to be a L&D nurse and she said that what I am feeling are real contractions because my dilation is progressing – Braxton hicks don’t cause progression.

I told all of our family and close friends what the schedule is and feel very loved and supported. Brighton is known and his story has already made an impact. Proud of you sweet boy! Being your mama is the greatest honor I could have.

Oh, and he was having hiccups while she listened to his heart beat today (140 bpm). Please God, be so, so present. 

Felt up for a walk to the park today

Dashing Diva blue nails for my baby boy!

April 28, 2022
I heard this song called “Even If” by Mercy Me this morning for the first time and it’s five years old. I guess God is giving it to me at the exact right moment

“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone.”