JESUS, BRING THE RAIN

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
    I call as my heart grows faint;
    lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

January 4, 2022
Today, I was finally able to read through the Memories to Hold packet for Brighton. This is an organization through the hospital that provides support for families that have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. We are going to meet with the lady in charge soon to make a plan, but we were given all of the information to go over beforehand. There was a book in there called “ Waiting with Gabriel” that I read while Lassen napped. It was, of course, extremely sad, but it was really good for me to read and gave me some other ideas of how we can honor Brighton and remember him. Photos. Castings of his hands and footprints. Hospital bracelet. Wrapping him in a special blanket. Having a hat with his name on it. Posters in the delivery room.

I have also brought up the idea of spreading Brighton’s ashes down in the Smokies since we found out about his sweet life on vacation down there and it’s such a special place for our family.

January 5, 2022
I have been thinking about more ways to share Brighton’s story and advocate for choosing life, but also whether I want this to be super public or not. I had felt led to completely delete all of my social media the night before I found out Brighton’s diagnosis. I believe that God is bigger than social media and if He wants Brighton’s story to be shared, He will allow those conversations to happen. For now, I will just keep journaling and keeping track of my thoughts.

I have been praying that God takes away my anxiety or fear that I will lose Brighton sooner rather than later. I think part of this fear is that I have felt him move a few times but it is really inconsistent and I worry I won’t know if it’s actually stopped. Sometimes, if I am laying just right, I think I can feel his little butt up in the air. I also love picturing him touching his lips with his fingers like Lassen does. I still don’t really allow myself to see him in the future or what he would be doing. I wonder if it’s because I found out so early. I have lost the ability to dream about his future. But maybe this is a blessing too. I just know he will be safe in the arms of Jesus because that's where he's meant to be. 

January 10, 2022
We had a beautiful sunrise today and as I was telling Lassen and Brighton all of the colors, it occurred to me that Brighton is going to see the most incredible sunrises in Heaven. It also occurred to me that I more often dream of the experiences he will have in Heaven with Jesus than I do of what he will miss on this earth with us. I am sure this will change someday, but I am so grateful for Jesus and the hope and promise of Heaven. Knowing my boy will be perfect and loved is a beautiful feeling.

January 11, 2022
Brighton moved more today – almost as if he is rolling around in there. So thankful for the gift of feeling him so early, and not just flutters either! I had an anterior placenta with Lassen and didn’t really feel him move much until around 28 weeks…I have the same situation this time around and I started feeling him around 18 weeks! Just another answer to prayer. 

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Mercy Me - Bring the Rain