GOD, I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

November 19, 2024

GOD, I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

It is interesting to process a life altering event after the fact. Knowing the day before, life was normal, but then the next day changes your life forever. You want to go back to yourself before that day and try to prepare yourself in some way, but you know that you never could be quite ready. That's where trusting that God's plan is perfect is something you just have to really fully commit to believing. His plan is perfect, but a lot of times we will never understand how that could be on this side of Heaven. The good thing about our God is that He can take our questions and our doubts. He can take our anger and fear and pain. He just wants us to bring those to Him and not turn from Him in times such as these.

_____________

Ann was still carrying her sweet Ember, but the time had come for her to be born. Their doctor felt that bringing Ember into this world a few weeks early would give them a greater chance of meeting their girl alive. My heart was so heavy as she was being induced on November 3^rd, 2021. I just could not fathom what she must be feeling. All morning I was just praying that they would have time with their precious girl.

November 3, 2021
I had my 12 week ultrasound today and our lives will forever be changed, not in the way that we had ever expected or hoped. I was able to facetime with Kyle again during the ultrasound and we were in awe by how much our baby had grown in four weeks! You could see him/her moving and kicking like crazy and see their sweet little face with a little Lassen nose! The heartbeat was strong too, at 171 bpm. I sent pictures of the ultrasound to mom and Karen while I waited for my appointment with the nurse.

I went into the exam room where I sat in a thin paper robe. My nurse, Susan, came in and she immediately moved towards me and sat really close in front of me, almost touching my knees. I sensed something weird was going on. She said she had looked at the ultrasound and our sweet baby is missing part of its skull. It is a life limiting diagnosis, most likely acrania. It is not genetic and there was nothing I did, or could have done to cause this. It all happened before I knew I was even pregnant, and is in the same family of conditions as cleft pallet and spina bifida, except just the worse case scenario.

I think I was in shock, so Susan got my purse, found my phone, and facetimed Kyle and told him the horrific news too. She was so kind and gentle and I was so grateful she was there with me when I was otherwise alone to hear this devastating news. They are going to send me to a maternal fetal specialist at Riley to confirm the diagnosis, but she said not to expect a different result. I appreciated her honesty. Our baby is perfectly healthy inside of me, but will be unable to survive on its own outside of my body. I told Susan about my friend Ann, being induced for a condition extraordinarily similar to our own, on this very same day. I can’t believe the same thing is happening to me.

After beginning to process some of this terrible news, I believe God was using Ann’s story these last several months to prepare my heart- even though I never wanted to be prepared for something like this. Kyle and I are devasted but we immediately talked about how God is good and while we don’t understand, and honestly might never understand in our lifetime, we will trust Him and know that He will use our story for good, even though it is incredibly painful. We also talked about how our marriage could thrive or dive because of this and we are choosing to thrive. Jesus, please hold our hearts and help us one day at a time.

I have been listening to this song, “Jireh” by Elevation Worship the last few days and these words are now life to me:

“I’ll never be more loved than I am right now

Going through a storm, but I won’t go down
I hear your voice carried in the rhythm of the wind to call me out
You would cross an ocean, so I wouldn’t drown
You’ve never been closer than You are right now
You are Jireh, You are enough
I will be content in every circumstance

If He dresses the lilies, with beauty and splendor
How much more will He clothe you?
If He watches over, every sparrow
How much more does He love you?”

When I got home from my appointment in a daze, we decided to drive down to Brown County to hike and see the colors of fall. That has always been a place where we feel close to our Creator. On the way we began calling family to let them know what was happening. It was a beautiful day and I was just so thankful for Kyle and Lassen and our little family. We will survive this only with Jesus right beside us. Praying for a miracle, but also trusting and knowing that if that healing doesn’t occur, our sweet baby will never feel the pain of this world and that they are meant for a bigger adventure with Jesus in Heaven. We love you sweet baby.